Opening up a news article

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James Trotta
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Opening up a news article

Post by James Trotta » Sun Jul 31, 2011 11:40 am

I recently wrote this as the first sentence in a news article about some lectures in a bar / club in Seoul:
On Saturday April 9th, 2011, four imaginative speakers came to PLATOON Kunsthalle (http://www.kunsthalle.com) in Cheongdamdong, Seoul for the second insight party organized by Micimpact (http://www.micimpact.com).
One journalist said he would have written this:
Dozens of people crammed into Nicky's Bar in Seoul last night to hear the words of wisdom of four motivational speakers.
I definitely see the need to explain that PLATOON Kunsthalle is a bar/club but that's the only thing about the correction that I like. I'm not a big fan of using the word "crammed" since the place was crowded but not really crammed. To me, "words of wisdom" is a cliche and I don't want to use it.

If I were to rewrite the article, I might try this:
PLATOON Kunsthalle, a large club in Seoul, was filled with young people Friday night. The youth had paid 50,000 KRW to listen to lectures from four successful Korean artists and scholars, whose stories left most people feeling they'd gotten their money's worth.
Or something like that. I'm still a total amateur when it comes to journalism and writing news stories.

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